27 days, and 10 hours

My goal was to wait one full month before I started writing about her leaving me. The pain is too much to bear, and I’m resorting to any method possible to help me through it. I’ve never experience this level of mental anguish. I can’t control it. It controls me. She’s gone, and all I can do is write about it.

From our first date, we both knew we had something special. We met at the Muddy Pig in St. Paul because they have one of the metro’s largest tap selections, and we shared a love of craft beer. I was nervous because I had never met a woman online. Would she be as advertised? People can be who they want to be behind the comfortable confines of a computer screen.

I showed up about 30 minutes earlier than planned to find the best spot in the bar to have good conversation, and close enough to the bathroom and exit in case of emergency. She walked in wearing a winter coat like you would find at a thrift store. But her beauty made it work. She had an incredibly genuine smile on her face that lit up the bar. Her happy eyes made me feel like I was at home … meeting her was my destiny. I knew from the start we were meant to be.

We sat at a table with tall chairs, and started a conversation as if we had known each other for years. There were no nerves, reservations, or preconceptions of one another. Not even my gauged ears, and tattooed arms gave her apprehension, let alone scare her. She was into me … the person … and it made me feel appreciated in way that I had never felt before. I was important. She told me about her online dating failures in the past, and I admitted that it was a first for me. We talked about sensitive subjects including politics and religion. She expressed her love of Jesus as her Lord and savior. I described myself as an Agnostic Theist, one who doesn’t necessarily believe in a ‘God’, but do not refute its existence.

For nearly a year and a half, I got to live in absolutely bliss by being in her presence. The first day of our relationship was the best day of my life, and every day became even better thereafter. She is the love of my life, and my best friend. I will always believe that. But after a year and a half of knowing each other’s faith, accepting it for what it is, my world imploded because I am a non-believer. March 22nd, 2013 … 12:00pm CST … at work … on the phone … alone in a conference room. My world came to an end.